Grief

“Please wait, Mom!”

As I drove furiously to the hospital,

Willing my truck to fly,

I was begging my mom not to die.

“Lord, please, let me get there in time!”

Desperation.

“Why did I leave her alone last night?”

Of course, I couldn’t have known.

Last night her breathing sounded easier than it had in days.

Pneumonia.

I hate that word!

Finally, I arrive.

I rush my way to the ER.

Jack comes to greet me.

His face stricken with the look that says to me,

“She is gone.”

Jack and the doctor lead me to the room where she lies.

We stand together, looking at the shell that once held my precious mom.

Inside, my head, I am screaming “Go away!  Leave me alone!”

I want to throw myself across her body and sob and cry and moan.

But we stand there in silence.

“Well, that’s that.” I calmly say.

We turn and walk away.

I hear my mother’s voice, “You know that I’m not here.”

And my head knows she’s right.

But my heart is not ready to say goodbye.

Hope in God!

“He will satisfy my soul in drought." Isaiah 58:11

We all have times of drought in our lives.  We either stay face to face with Jesus or we appear to shrivel up and die.  God has given us a million and one examples of His love and mercy and awe if we can just stop look and listen!  I think of the desert.  When the rains cover the dry, thirsty land, the desert is awash with glory!  Jack and I had the privilege of ministering in Phoenix, AZ in the spring one year.  During an early morning walk, I could hardly take in the beauty of the flowers and fragrance in the air.  It overwhelmed my senses.  At the church that day, I began my talk with the raptures I was feeling about the Arizona desert.  Several people laughed and shouted out, “Just come back in the summer!  You’ll change your mind!”  I think of that when I meditate on this scripture.  The wonderful mercy of God is that, in Him, we never die!  Even if we go through times of drought, we are born of imperishable seed.  What hope that gives me.  Even if I totally screw up and don’t stay in that place of trust, the place of living streams, the worst that can happen is that I go dormant, waiting for the time of refreshing.  He satisfies me either way.  When I am walking in that face to face place, I lack nothing and radiate like those flowers in the desert.  He provides the satisfaction.  In the dormant times His love still covers me.  In Jesus Christ, we cannot lose! 

Conceptions

You know how we sometimes wonder, what makes so-and-so tick?  The heck with that, I want to know what makes ME tick!  Sometimes, just the simple act of getting my thoughts down in writing brings massive revelation about my deepest self.  Sometimes, I feel like I am wandering in a fog, but always, there is a release that comes, just from letting the words flow.

I love people.  People are the most beautiful expression of God.  While I can sit for hours in the outdoors, lost in rapture, gazing at a glorious vista or entranced by the beauty of a flower, there is nothing that compares to the mystery that is humanity.

Last weekend, Jack and I were so privileged to lead a worship event in Houston, TX at a church that had a profound impact in our lives in the early years of our life together, the Church of the Redeemer.  The place is a portal to heaven.  I cannot find words to describe the feelings that were evoked as we all came together.  There were people there who are still members after all these years, people who had been members there in the past and people who had never been there. We were made into one Body in worship.  There were people who came, broken, wounded and suffering with illness and pain, who left whole, healed and restored!
It was profound.

I am blown away by the beauty that is humanity.  It so far surpasses all the rest of creation!  People become glory in a hug. We become beauty as worshipers.  We glimpse eternity in the generations, as we pass the torch of faith to our children.  As I meditate on these thoughts I begin to understand who I am am in my inmost being.  I am a lover.  I am an adorer.  I am a rock, because the Rock is in me.  He is our greatest fan.
He is the One who makes us tick!  He leads me out of the fog and onward to higher heights day by day.

Thank You, Jesus.